A little bit thriller, a little bit suspense, mostly crap and drama

buggerbuggerbugger.

-I have three days- wait, nay, two days- to find a new home and move into it.
-Very few real estate agents are open between Christmas and Newyear.
-Of these, almost all would appear to be in other states.
-I have overspent this Christmas season
-I have overeaten this Christmas season
-I haven’t been reading my bible or talking to God and so don’t have any peace in my spirit
-I get shy and don’t perform so well at work.
-I have a birthday party to organise
-Oh my God I’m going to be 22 in a few weeks.
-Holy crapolla, I’m old.
-Everyone over the age of 22 is going to come after me for writing that.
-I got out a personal loan. This is the most financially freaky (irresponsible?) thing I have done. Ever.

- Even elle thinks it wasn’t an intelligent move.  and she spends her entire salary on shoes and alcohol.
-My fingers hurt and look ugly from practicing all the new tabs she wants me to learn.
-I’m still just as piffley on guitar as I was before my finger tips became hard and wierd looking.
-Elle’s gonna be pissed.
-My dad doesn’t like me.
-My dad doesn’t like my brother
-My brother doesn’t like my dad
-Somehow I know I’m going to get blamed for the above three.

- Over the past few weeks I have been persued by a perfectly attractive, intelligent, datable man and did my thing where I retreat because the whole relationship/boy thing scared me.

-I’m an idiot
-My posture is atrocious. When I try and straighten up my spine creaks audibly.
-I have bitten all of my nails off. Compounded with my finger tip corns I look like Golem from the wrists down.

okay. okay. breathe.

There has to be a job out there for an undergrad uni student
that’s better than retail?
Why do i ask questions of an inanimate white page?
I just did it again.
buggerbuggerbugger

One of these days I will write an upbeat, funny post. But for now..

I have this friend that i met when i was five. Our older brothers played for the same football team. When we were little we would swing around and play acrobats on the bars that marked the edge of the footy field. The canteen sold chocolate drops for 5 cents each. A dollar would buy you twenty in a little white paper bag and we would climb to the top of the corrogated iron ’sin-bin’ and eat them together. Watching the families cheer on their kids, pretending to be sports tv commentators.

Shes one of those types of people I know I will always love, despite the differences that came when we got older-  because of those earlier shared experiences.

When we were in our final year at highschool she fell pregnant. It was 18 months after I had moved from the city to a private catholic school up north. We were seventeen. Her boyfriend was one of those dark, mysterious muso types. She terminated the pregnancy just after the end of the first trimester. That was four years ago now. We never really spoke about it. It’s one of those things that I wouldn’t want to ask about, half because i got the feeling it was sacred in a way, and half because i figured once she had gone through the motions, that was it and she didn’t really give it that much thought.

But people are infinately complex, soulful things. I’m rarely ever right about them.

Last night I was at her place, fiddling around on her guitar, listening to some live accoustic sets on cd. Out of nowhere, in the middle of The Band’s ‘the weight’ she told me that she’d been drinking pretty heavily for a while.

I got the feeling more was comming so i stopped playing and looked up at her, listening.

She had begun to remember details of- and lead up to- the procedure and was guilt striken. She told me that she felt like part of her had been ripped out and that she felt as though she deserved to suffer for what she had done. She believes that when she is ready to have children and love them, that it wont happen, and that it will serve her right.

I always have trouble thinking about what to say. especially in these types of situations. you cant, as a christian seperate your values and advice from theology but you can’t preach too much to your mates either. I got to talk to her a bit about grace. And how, from my perspective, the blood she feels is on her hands and the retribution she deserves was nailed to a tree 2000 years ago, so that she might live in freedom.

I stayed there until the early morning, we chatted about other stuff. When i left she seemed okay. I hugged her and told her i loved her.

I did my thing where I take a 40 km detour on the way home and think.

It just hit home for me how fragile human reason and knowledge is.

We weren’t engineered for mortality. We were never meant to have the power to choose life or sanction death. It just shouldn’t be. I think we’re too punny to make these types of decisions and to understand them for what they are.